So since we’re on a theme of love this week I thought I’d look a bit more at social media and how our friends insist on not so much over sharing, more like exaggerating and downright lying. My mum used to say the richest people tend to be those that don’t show off their money where as the guy with the big house, smart car and gadgets is probably riddled with debt. The same could be said about relationships; those that are all over Facebook and Twitter each day forcing their love bug down our throats probably won’t stand the test of time. Those that choose to enjoy each other and keep their intimacy private and therefor special definitely have better odds. Here are the best of the worst:
Smug marrieds and smug engageds
“I am so lucky that the most amazing man ever belongs to me. Love you Greg, you’re my world!” We get that you’re on cloud nine. You retag and then repost your wedding photos every.single.day. Sometimes I like to imagine that ‘Greg’ is a closet mental case, forcing said girlfriend to post undying love or he will try and drink all of the harpic toilet gel from the sink owing to his deep set insecurities.
These smugs often delete all of their ‘pre couple’ photo albums, as if they were born from a chrysalis the day they met, only displaying albums entitled ‘love XXX <3’ or ‘Happiness’.
Personal messages that should be texted
“Baby could you get some ice cream on the way home, I’m cooking an amazing meal and you can have me for dessert” Now I’m not being picky, but if you need him to pick up some pot noodles then surely this is best communicated via text or phone call. Unless you know he’s in a situation where he has no phone or Internet yet surrounded by his FB friends so your ONLY method to get this emergency item is to publicise it to the masses then don’t do it!
Passive aggressive fights
“Stuck doing the dishes again because *someone* is too busy watching TV to help.” Perhaps a face-to-face chat with your partner would be more productive. I used to live with a girl that would tag me in a tweet if the cat had done a shit in the litter tray though the exaggeration would be extreme ‘Having to spend all day upstairs as the ammonia cat piss filling the kitchen is stinging my eyes @spicesugar1’. Err how’s about I spread a cat turd on toast and make you eat it bitch?
Generic sappy sentiments asking for action
“Thanks to my love for loving me, for making me smile, for making me believe in true love and saving me. REPOST IF YOU LOVE YOUR SOUL MATE!!!!” A romantic chain-letter type request on Facebook? Really? Dear lord, this is nearly as bad as the ‘if you don’t like and share this page then one million fairies will die’ or ‘share if you love your mum’. If you don’t repost then you look like a cross between Myra Hindley and Cruella De Ville. Not fair.
My love life is way better than yours
“I still can’t believe that even after 6 months together I get to wake up to Lou’s beautiful face every morning.” Really? Even though she’s great, I’m sure she still has morning breath, eye bogies and does wispy sleep farts. And as great as she is, I’m more than happy with my own sleeping arrangements, thank you very much.
“So you waited just three weeks. Thanks very much wanker’. Umm maybe he dumped you owing to your inability to communicate face to face. Just a thought. Also, he’s not going to respond. You know he won’t respond. What you do know is that all your girlie mates will rally round like little cyber bees, asking what’s happened, how could he hurt you, how beautiful you are blah blah blah
Special Occasion Countdowns
’23 more sleeps until I’m Mrs Jones’. Ok I don’t care how long it is until you go to the Costa Del Sol. In fact, if you keep mentioning it each day and counting it by the number of sleeps, these will only serve to remind me how long until I can rob your house.
Showing off your new stuff
‘I’m a lucky boy this birthday. New ipad and macbook’. Thanks for that life changing news. Next time you check in at the Wig and Pen I’m sure burglars will be forming an orderly queue and probably targeting that back door that you tweeted a picture of last week asking for a locksmith recommendation.
Now I’m no some bitter old witch that throws stones at happy couples, quite the reverse as I’m an advocate of old school romance – I just think the key to any relationship success is keeping something back for you so before you tweet it think about it.