It amazes me that only very few women embrace the World Cup for all the right reasons. Some girls genuinely love football – these are the ones that wear football shirts for ‘fashion’ despite them making you look as square as Sponge Bob and know so much about the offside rule that it would be a specialist mastermind subject. These girls embrace the World Cup for the wrong reasons – the football.
There are another breed of women that are opportunists. They have recognised that once every four years pubs will be 99% full of men, men in either high spirits or needing consolation. This group of men will also extend to lots of new blood – men with girlfriends will have been let off the leash for the occasion and boys from ‘out of town’ will appear to meet their mates. It’s an explosion of fitties.
The breed of women that have acknowledged this phenomenon are more commonly known as ‘match slags’. Women that will don a tight England shirt made for a child age 5/6 or in some cases a St George’s flag bikini with lots of sideboob/underboob/ overboob wombling free for good measure. They know that walking into a pub full of testosterone fuelled men is like a chicken walking into a den of hungry foxes. The best thing is the fishbowl effect means that even a 4/10 girl suddenly becomes a 9/10 when there is no competition to compare her too and she’s being viewed through Stella goggles.
If you fancy joining this group ladies, it’s pretty easy to do. Firstly, it’s not a big commitment as the World Cup (WC) is only once every four years although you can probably adopt the Match slag outfit at the end of season too to get your monies worth. For the WC, it helps that it’s good weather in the uk and people will be out drinking for longer periods, with three matches in one night so taking advantage is easy.
Your tactics? Well, I suggest that you position yourself next to a hotty of choice and ask a few questions (during half time obviously) that allows your prey to show off his football knowledge, making his chest puff with pride. Possibly hold a half pint or bottle of beer (a pint crosses the line) in the same way you’d hold a giant penis just to plant the seed of promise. If you are particularly dense in the ways of football then it’s better not to cheer at all than to cheer in the wrong place. And when the place goes off, do not moan when beer goes over your head; in fact embrace the wet t shirt look and use it to your advantage.
For goodness sake arrive at the pub before the match starts as making an entrance during an England game won’t be noticed even if you are cartwheeling in naked. Plus this gives you ample opportunity to position yourself in a good place (bar/toilet/fitty access). After the match your actions will depend very much on the result. A win is actually the worst result you can hope for as male bonding can get even stronger and boys will be back slapping, doing shots and are basking in the glory of the beautiful game, edging out the need for match slags. A loss is much better.
A loss means this pack of wolves will drink to console and often separate as they can’t bear to talk about the injustice and they associate each other with the pain of loss I.e. ‘Maybe England would have won if Barry had stayed home’. You have your pick now. You
can go for the weak one who needs comfort and understanding, easily sucked into your web with moving on to a different pub (to get him away from the scene of the ‘loss’ and his mattes taking him for a kebab) and plying him with some hard brown liqueur. However if you like a challenge, head for the alpha male of the group, this one will be angry about ‘his boys letting him down’ and will want to get rid of the anger by having sex or going to the gym (the latter being inadvisable after eight pints). This one will probably have a girlfriend at home who doesn’t understand how ‘important’ football is, so voice the appropriate devastation/anger and then offer an alternative to cheer the situation up…
I’ve never been a total match slag but I like watching them work, like a pack of wild dogs circling, planning and pouncing. It’s an amazing site and worth admiring – even David Attennborough would be scared. Men see them as the vulnerable ones – a solo, defenceless girl in a pub full of men but they are the ones in control, enchanting with their England shirts stretched over their DDs. They never say ‘it’s only a game’ as they’ve invented their own game and pretty much always win, unless their prize pukes on them or falls asleep and then it’s game over…