I was thinking to myself that I wasted a great deal of my twenties being shy, under confident, impulsive and gullible, Hell, don’t feel sorry for me as making mistakes is a whole load of fun and have created some excellent party stories, but there are one or two things I wished I knew….
1. You only have one family and they won’t be there forever so make the most of them and they are often right!
2. Dance classes might be dull as dishwater but they’ll give you awesome legs
3. Yoga (as above) but makes you uber bendy and you can impress the boys during sex
4. Don’t be scared of porn – watch as much as you can, think go it as a ‘how to’ video – hone the skills and become a sexual guru
5. Your mother isn’t always right – sometimes she makes things up to stop you getting in trouble and often her facts will make you look stupid in front of friends (cracking an egg on your head is not a good conditioner for example – just makes your hair smell and hot water scrambles it).
6. The popular girls that are bitches to you are only popular because they are easy. They will have five kids before the age of 25 and get fat.
7. The popular boys amount to nothing – they’ve spent too long showing off smoking and not enough revising so will end up working in a factory and on Jeremy Kyle talking about their five kids with different mothers.
8. Being envious eats you up – if you want it then work for it as no fucker will give it to you.
9. Men that are addicts will make shit boyfriends
10. Remember that guy you meet with kids is tied to the bitch from hell aka baby momma forever and she is pre programmed to hate you.
11. You can’t wear red or coral – it makes you look pasty and ginger
12. Waiters on holiday do not love and want to marry you , they just want a free pass into the UK
13. Hair any longer than one inch should not be gelled back – that Robert Palmer video was years ago.
14. Many friendships and relationships are not forever as people that start off cool sometimes turn into utter cunts.
15. Stop going to the gym now as your body looks awesome for years until you’re about 30, then you will get thunder thighs unless you move your arse.
16. If someone doesn’t want you, don’t worry about it. It’s not a battle you need to win as there are plenty more guys bigger and better that will come along.
17. If he is thin, he’ll probably have a thin penis.
18. If he is fat he’ll probably have a short fat penis.
19. If he is tall and well built he’ll probably have a decent size penis.
20. Party as hard as you can now as one day hangovers will hit you like a sledge hammer.
21. Try every drug you can for the first time at home – saves you freaking out in clubs.
22. You are really hot, like mega. You’re not fat or ugly and you need to stop covering yourself up and get your goodies out.
23. Cut. Up. Your. Credit. Card.
24. Be patient with your career – you’ll get there and you won’t fuck people over doing it.
25. Don’t waste time on staying with people just because they love you. If you don’t love them then that won’t be enough.
26. If you love someone but they don’t love you then walk away before it destroys you.
27. Take risks – don’t really need to say this as you bloody still do at 30.
28 Travel while you have no commitments and no worries about the world. It will expand your mind and stop you obsessing over little things.
29. It’s ok to quite something if it’s destroying your soul.
30. Don’t trust people that speak with authority if you think they’re talking shit. Trust your own hunches and instinct.
31. Cheap, trendy stuff won’t last – neither will anything from QD or Primark.
32. You’ve been in a tattooist 3 times now and chickened out. DO NOT HAVE A TATTOO until at least 30 as that blue unicorn will look shit when you’re older.